tips on online dating in 2016: don't (lol)

Today if you own a smartphone, you’re carrying a 24-7 singles bar in your pocket.
— Aziz Ansari, actor

At what cost, companionship? We all want it. We all crave it. But seriously... dating in 2016, particularly for a WOC (woman of colour) can be trying, to say the least. And if you're someone in your 30s who is no longer about the "weekly turn-up" life, then you've probably gritted your teeth and bitten the online dating bullet.

In theory, the method itself seems risk-free and like a pretty harmless pastime. In reality though? Online dating apps can be a steaming pile of horse shit. Some people simply have no business trying to date online.

I've personally come across some extremely cringe-worthy attempts from men to get my attention online. They've ranged from weird, to awkward, to sick, to down-right sad. And, this isn't to say that there aren't some decent people out there who know how to respectfully approach a woman in a normal fashion. But, bruh... a lot of men really do not know how to properly approach a woman online. 

Sooooo, for your reading pleasure OR displeasure, I've compiled for you a shortlist of my personal faves (meaning 'Most Dreadful') when it comes to initial online correspondences from men. And keep in mind, these are screenshots from seven different "suitors" who were each reaching out to me for the very first time. 

(NOTE: Some of you might find it "uncouth" of me to share other people's private messages in this post; but I assure you, it's for the greater good. The public needs to know how it really goes down in the DM; but I'm not gonna AshleyMadison these dudes by exposing personal or identifiable information. After all - I have morals and scruples, y'all.)

So, here we go:

1. The "let me throw out all the compliments I have in a run on sentence and hope something sticks" guy. And in case that doesn't seal the deal, "lemme include my number so she knows it's real". Thank you, sir. I had all the fun waiting in suspense to find a period in your endless quest for acknowledgement.

2. The "stream of consciousness, complete with attention deficit" guy who thinks having a non-sequential conversation with himself will show me that he is entirely sane and interesting. Oh... and gotta love that "exotic looking" comment. I am some sort of a rare bird, aren't I? NEXT!!!

3. The "skip the hello, introductions are for losers... but take my number NOW. Please?" guy who really thinks I'm going to risk giving him access to my phone number by texting him at his illogical behest. Points though for SPELLING OUT your entire phone number instead of just typing it in like... you know, a normal creep.

4. The "while I can't fully admit that I may be a racist with a disturbing fetish for Black women, I can totes be your White knight in shining bullshit" guy. But hey - he's polite. He said "thanks for replying" before promptly getting blocked. Awww.  Muffin.

5. The "I half-way admit that I may have distorted racial views but I just looove me a Black girl because you're all just beautiful" guy. Ummm. I have to admit, this one threw me for a loop. Probably the kindest fetishizer (not a word, I know - but you get it!) I've ever had the pleasure of virtually encountering. Still... A fetish is a fetish. And. I. Just.... I. Cannot.  

6. The "let me compliment you by being fake baffled that you're even single" dude who's deepest interests are the gym, sex & coffee. Yup. Sounds like you're the guy I could build a future with... If my future solely consisted of sweaty workouts in and out of the sheets (with caffeine breaks in between sets, maybe?). Also, a complete sentence would have helped his case. Not by much. But ever-so-slightly. 

7. And last and probably least, the "you didn't reply to my deeply original first message ("hey") a week ago, so it must mean that you hate all Black guys" guy. Nothing like being called a racist by a potential suitor OF THE SAME RACE. 

Anyone else hearing wedding bells? *major eye roll*

In any case, I say all this to say that in the rare instance where I actually do come across someone online who has both common sense and standards about themselves - I feel like a decade's worth of reparations have finally come my way. 'Cause the amount of bullshit I have to sift through to find that potential diamond is...(ahem)... extensive

With that said, I would strongly urge you, if you can, to go the more traditional route and avoid the online dating game... It ain't pretty, folks. It can get weird. Real quick.

I suppose I should just be thankful for not having received the standard 2016 d*ck pic straight to my inbox.



Shaolin Says.

Shaolin "J" Style


Creative writer. Professional ranter. Canadian-born. Caribbean blood. Probably the worst introvert you'll ever meet.